Lost

In MelancholiaNot unlike most creative writers, poets fall into a slump as well. When I was delivered my gifts to write poetry just a few years back, I was on a roll, a high. I felt like I was reaching out to others who went through similar circumstances, comments came in, accolades were showered on my work. The feeling of being wanted and needed made me realize the impact ones past could have on others. I wept, felt and lived most of what I penned. Certainly metaphors were used, but so much of my soul was placed in my prose. There were moments when I wrote that broke me down, the pen was laid aside as I left my home to walk endlessly it seemed, into the darkness, under the stars or faded moon. My composure would return, the white page awaited me and I again poured my soul out for my readers.

You see, my losses have been severe the past 14 years. To lose ones family, to become an outcast, no longer worthy of any kind of love from your children. Weaker men and woman crumble and some even end their lives, I must confess, this poet had thoughts of ending it all as well. Yet somewhere deep down inside, I knew I wanted to live, survive and get past this great loss. Many a day and night it was my poetry that saved my sanity, I had to write and keep writing. Having said this, of late, I feel like I’ve hit the wall. Maybe I’ve filled my tank, there is nothing left.

Was it just a season, a reason to try my hand at writing? To pour my soul out to whomever would care to read my work and then turn off the faucet. Somehow I feel drained, like my Muse has left me! I am thankful that for the season of my discontent, yet contented knowing that I release the demons from my past by writing of them. I heard a sigh  in my heart, maybe even my dear mother’s angelic voice, saying you are a good son and I love you.

So in writing this short blog, I just felt compelled to share with my followers how I’ve been feeling of late. The inspiration comes and goes and I fear that I am empty. I will let my Muse find me again if it’s meant to be, or leave me after knowing he released in me what needed to be let out. I am thankful for the method that was given me to release my past, by sharing it in my prose. Poetry is a gift, no matter for how long it is given us to share. I am very thankful that I was able to share what I could and receive the admiration and love from so many of you. I hope it will return to me, for now I am in limbo awaiting the outcome and my Muse to return. I leave you with the verse below.

“I am lost in my dreams during daylight, fearing that which escapes me will only enter my thoughts at nights dawning. Although not fearful in my nightmares, nor of eternal damnation, eternity is but a candle wicks flutter. Oh but the thrill of waking to a new morn to free up the secrets held within my soul, while it wandered in total darkness, yet not revealing my true identity.”


Comments

Lost — 16 Comments

    • Thank you for the visit JS I appreciate your reading my work There are times when a writer contemplates many things about self. I sometimes exhaust myself and bury my head in the sand with self doubt, its times like this that make me wonder if its all in vain. I have written much and I guess I’m just feeling a little tired. Yes I have grown in some areas of my writing, yet my quill seems to want rest, so another direction maybe I need to take? Time will tell my friend.

  1. Vincent, inspiration and creativity are mysteries to all. I encourage you to continue writing, as you have done here, even if it is about not having anything to write. Best wishes my friend!

    • Thank you for your encouraging words A Long, yes I suppose its just a writers slump I’ve encountered, a road block of some kind? I will take your advice along with others to keep writing, I read your comment in google about once watching your cursor for a long time, it then moved you to write a story about a cursor, how interesting that would be? did it resolve the issue you had at the time? Also I noticed someone said they could not read my blog due to the words being very small print? I am confused by that, all appears well here and others like yourself have been able enter, read and leave a comment. Maybe its that readers browser acting up? Thank you again for reading my work.

      • Yes, I believe I will shop that poem around to a magazine or two, if i can find one lol. Sometimes, I begin to write about objective experiences and after awhile the subjective feelings appear on the page.

        Yes, I don’t know why my G+ friend had a poor experience on your blog. (although they type does appear smaller even though my zoom is on @ 100%.

        You seem to have a number of great fans Vincent. You are blessed!! :o)

        • Sometimes when we least expect it, thoughts come flowing from our pen, objective, subjective, regardless we must grasp at them before they get lost in the tussle. I will have to look into the print size, see if I can elevate it a tad. Thank you for stopping by and commenting, now go find a magazine to publish your writing in my friend.

  2. Vincent, I feel the heartache of loss in your words here and the terrible losses you endured in past that were a catalyst for the words that flowed onto that white sheet of paper. Perhaps the most powerful link between a writer’s heart, mind, soul and our muse is the pain and sorrow of loss, the frustration and anxieties of separation and estrangement, the anger of senseless crime against humanity or nature that surrounds us…we are incredibly focused with those issues that drive our muse that when those circumstances change we slip out of gear and the muse falls flat or seemingly trails away.

    When you have a gift to express powerfully in writing that gift is secured by a tether. It may dangle, twist and turn through life’s journey but it is always there. You, Vincent Moore, have the innate ability for word craft, for sharing life in a way that moves your readers to laughter, to tears, to a wretched entanglement of relating so acutely to what you have written that they are moved to feel those innermost emotions so strongly in return.

    YOU have that gift, Vincent Moore, a gift that is out there, perhaps just beyond reach, beyond sight out there in the darkness…but it’s there, it’s always there and you have to believe that. Look back at what you wrote when you poured your heart out. What was it about? What angle did you give your story? What message did you want to hit home and how did you convey it? What spirit and visual experience of the mind was in its delivery?

    What’s changed now, I would expect, is that previous circumstances have culminated, concluded and ceased to be a reality, a demon, a heartache in current day. Those heartaches will forever remain in memory regardless. Perhaps you can draw from that or refocus on other issues.

    My mother battled Alzheimer’s Disease for six long, horrid years and I watched her gradually lose a piece of her mind, her sole, her identity day after wretched day until one day she could not recognize her own son holding her in his arms. That day ripped a hole in my stomach and tore at my innermost sensibilities for a woman who gave her life and love completely and unconditionally to her beloved family and friends, even strangers with whom she conversed. We lost so many other loved ones prematurely over the years. I worked myself near to death in my career and in the process left a marriage in tattered ruins and young children in the wake forced to grow up without an ever-present father.

    And through mom’s passing and the leftover baggage of all that other heartache one day I began to write…for mom, for my ex-wife, for my children and everyone else that I hurt or alienated or lost along the way. As you reflected here the praise poured in and all of a sudden I discovered a passion I never knew existed. I have that gift, that same gift you do Vincent and one day it leaped onto that white sheet of paper and fourteen years later my writing has become a profession.

    The bottom line for me Vincent was that once all that negative, heart-wrenching experience subsided, concluded, drifted like a silent cancer into my past, one day I went for a walk and saw something incredibly beautiful…something of nature surrounding me that suddenly struck me with such power and force that I awakened to a new reality…that the very same tether line that dangles from your heart, mind and soul was out there yet still attached, a reality that told me it was ok to find and feel happiness again and when I saw the beautiful in life all of a sudden the muse was again released in a flow of energy that has never left me since.

    I have periodically experienced a seeming writer’s block and on examination the one common denominator was without fail distraction…negative, dark, engulfing distraction. I had to learn how to disassociate from that distraction to free my mind to reattach that focus to the subjects of my writing.

    What makes Vincent Moore feel good? Yes there will always be negative aspects of your life that will seemingly pull you down and close the door to the flow of the muse. So fight back…plug in and recharge. Walk five miles a day. Leap into an ice cold lake and splash about like a kid again! Look at every little thing that “is”, that surrounds you, tangible things….write about a gangly oak tree, the sunrise through an overcast sky, a bird doing the dance across the pavement….write about it all, one line at a time. Make it spirited, imaginative, funny, outrageous…get creative with it!

    Then sit back and marvel at that ink across the white sheet of paper. You know where it came from? It came from the end of that tether. Reel it back in, give it some slack then reel it in some more. Caress it, remember it, embrace it for it’s that gift that was always there, still is there…draw it back in and the muse will flow. ‘Like riding a bike…’ seems so cliche, yet you possess that gift…allow its return. You owe that to yourself and to those with whom you share.

    I’m rambling on like an idiot but then again…I’m a writer!!!

    I harken back to your ‘Changes’ in which that heartache bled upon the page from open to close and I too had a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye…that was the gift in the release of pain. The heart, mind and sole are never ’empty’, they just lay dormant from time to time. Call it distraction, call it whatever we will…until we cease to exist that gift is always there.

    May your muse make haste in its timely return.

    • Don I don’t know where to begin, your words have so moved me, my eyes are shining with wetness and glazing over. I must first get a tissue to wipe them before I reply to your very stirring yet encouraging words to me. Yes I understand that adversities in our lives will stir our souls to action in so many ways, artists are very prone to mood swings and abandonment. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked away from my desk, my writings sitting idle, the keyboard beckoning me to come back! I felt alone at those times, wandering about like a lost little puppy dog. I wanted to find myself again, lost I was among so many thoughts that just would not place themselves in the proper order for me to express them. Like a puzzle with missing pieces, a maze, my Muse antagonized me, all the while pushing me to write. Often it took a bottle of red wine to stir me enough to find the courage to continue to write. I struggled with much of my past before finally sharing a lot of it with my readers. What’s changed Don is a desire, for some unknown reason I just feel empty. It could be many things, a tether is a good description of how I feel, I need to rebound and your methods and suggestions to me I feel encouraged by. To feel accepted I suppose is another negative feeling I get, maybe I thrived too much on accolades, I need to simply gather my thoughts, go in a different direction in my writing, find HAPPY and write about some of it. Your words shared about your dear mother broke my heart reading them, so sad, so very sad indeed. I have not lost a parent to that dreadful mind imprisonment disease, although I’ve lost them both in other ways. Regardless of the way we lose a loved one, its very painful and yours especially, oh to have hugged my dear mother on her final breath, what I would have given to be there, but it was not meant to be. Thankfully all 5 of my sisters were by her side when she crossed over. I know we will meet again though, so stay encouraged Don and know that she awaits her beloved son. You also shared with me the loss of your family, the pain as a result and how you’ve found life again. Don, I have struggled often with finding myself, reinventing who I once was, the happy Vincent and its been a long and winding road for me. I work on me daily. I know life is out there, I must not be afraid of it, nor be a reclusive, but get out and find distractions, happiness and surely it will find me as well. I allow too many distractions of negativity in my life, I must LIVE, find that source of happiness that will help remove the darkness within. Although my genre won’t change, I am drawn to the dark-side of my writing, I suppose my Muse allows it to be so. I take your advice Don and will get out and fight the good fight, to survive in the jungle and find ways to create happiness in my writings. The journey is not yet over for me, there is much to write about. You sir have given me so much encouragement, I thank you kindly for sharing your sincerest thoughts with me. I don’t feel so much alone now, knowing that so many others suffer as a writer daily. I will follow your advice and put myself out there, test the waters, plug in and recharge, but I’m not leaping into an ice cold lake, I will leave that to those polar swimmers, I like my water simply cool and refreshing:-) Thank you for rambling on, this was all encouraging to me and you cranked my battery for me. Yes “Changes” must happen, I foresee better days ahead. I will let my heart, mind and soul not lay dormant, instead fight on with every word left in my body. I too pray that my Muse makes haste dear friend. Peace and blessings I send to you and yours this day, Vincent thanks you from the deepest part of his soul, you’ve lifted him up.

      • Vincent, I’m glad my ramblings were of some comfort. Take a look at what you just wrote here in response to me…pretty damn inspired words I would say! It’s there for you Vincent…we can call it muse, inspiration, whatever other term suits but it IS there. You’ve got it friend! Celebrate that for a moment! Step outside, feel the warmth of the sun on your face, smell the fresh cut lawn down the way, see a smile on a neighbor’s face, hear the din of traffic as humanity flows through its daily charge, see a dead flower flopped over, its petals wilted and sadly forlorn touching an indifferent soil…then stand tall, close your eyes and see it all again, feel it rush through your veins (that plugging back in and recharging, energizing flow)…it’s all there my friend, in our hearts, our minds, our souls. It’s all there…the link is in the reason to live it through your words. Be inspired always. Heart to heart.

        • Thank you Don, you brought clarity to my soul. I thought I was lost for words, yet knowing that these gifts are a cross to bare for us at times, they do not leave us that easily. Yes your beautifully comforting ramblings soothed my heart and soul dear poet. I will take your advice to grasp it tightly and celebrate what I’ve been given. I need to see through the muck and mire of my life and grasp the beauty out there before my very eyes. Like just a simple smile given to me from a homeless man and be thankful. Like Poe he wandered lost with woe and despair often, yet he refreshed his soul with a renewed hope each time he left the past forevermore behind as sad as it was. I shall take up the quill now with gusto and find new subjects to sharpen the words. I agree the link is there, we must as writers never forget that, we simply though agonizing at times mustkeep writing. This I send you heart to heart and thank you for refreshing my spirit.

  3. Oh Vincent, it is so good to hear from you again. Your journey has inspired me and helped me release my own demons through writing poetry. I found that it was a cartharsis and now i can write about some happiness along the way. I think that you have also released whatever demons you carried and are now ready to write the most beautiful poetry ever penned. Thank you my poet friend for inspiration and friendship. God’s speed…

    • So nice to see you here Ruby, there are a few loyal followers of my work from the days of being on Hubpages. And I am thankful you are one of them my friend. Also so happy to read that my journey has inspired you to release some of your own demons through your writings. Yes indeed a cartharsis indeed for many of us. I also felt most of your work was light and happy, certainly not as dark and melancholy as mine, but then again each Muse treats their subjects differently. Yes I believe most of my demons have been released, although some of them will always remain chained to me like a ball and chain and I accept that. But as Don recounted in his comment here, to recharge and get back in the race. I am looking at happier days and subjects my dear and God bless and speed go with you as well. Hugs

  4. dEAREST vINCENT, Dearest Vincent, I found this so hard to read. you have been an inspiration to me since l first read one of your hubs, which wasn’t even poetry. (I think).You have put into words exactly how i felt (and still feel) only a few weeks ago.
    Maybe my time is up. Maybe I was blessed with a little talent for a while and now it is over. You left a comment for me, telling me to relax and words would soon come again. I am utterly amazed that you are having the same feelings.
    Your writing is amazing and if you choose to stop, it is your prerogative, I cannot believe that you are all used up as a writer. you are just too good.
    If there is anything I could do or say to encourage you, please tell me and I’ll do it.!
    Love, hugs and tears, Dim,…. Veronica.

    • I don’t believe out time is up Dim, we have to step back and take a good look at who we are, where we came from and what we’ve been through and how we made it successfully through the awful closed door and into the light. It has taken me a very long time to put the demons to rest, I for one know I will never do it entirely, I know I will take a few of them to the grave with me. Hopefully they die there along with me. What I have posted is simply a rut I’ve been in lately, I know many of us go there from time to time, many of us call it writer’s block, call it what we will, it’s just not a good feeling is it? I hope and pray that you will work through your rut as I have to do with mine, Don gave me a good reason to pick up the pen and continue as did others. I will not let this get the best of me, but force myself to allow my Muse back in. I shut him out from time to time, he sits back and waits for the right moment I get spurts of inspiration, but like Don said, I need to get out and search my surroundings and let those daily events be my inspiration. Trying to step out of the darkness with my writing isn’t the easiest task, but I know I must do it if I’m to continue writing. Just keep the encouragement up for me Dim, thats all we really can do for one another. I wish the same for you, we both need to find avenues and channels to write more. Feeling Hollow inside as you wrote is a sinking feeling too. But let’s together get out of this and write, write, write. I am so thankful to have you and a few others as loyal followers of my work, you all motivate me to continue writing, I can’t let you down or for that matter, myself! I will forge ahead dear Dim and think positive about my gifts. Hugs back at you.

  5. Thank you Vincent for taking the time to answer me , when you have more than enough to worry about in your own life.
    You mentioned some very encouraging things, that I must thank you for. I wanted to help YOU but it seems you are helping me with your words of encouragement.
    Finding new things to write about in our daily surroundings may be helpful little by little.
    I hope it works for you. You are far too good a writer to quit writing.
    Personally I had the feeling that I’d said it all. There was nothing left inside me. That’s why I thought it was over.
    Music helped me. I found myself writing song lyrics last week. They’re not very good, but at least I was writing.
    That seems to be the advice from everyone. Just write what you feel and then leave it if neccessary. The day will come when you’ll pick it up again and turn it into a wonderful piece of prose as you always have.
    I feel so blessed to have known you and so grateful I have your books on my shelf.
    Take care of yourself. You mean a lot to so many of us.
    Hugs…..Veronica.

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